Rape is the Four Letter Word for I'll Never be the Same

I'm sorry if you can't find me,

I've been busy hiding.

Hiding behind a headdress of humid steam

created by a mixture of hot coffee and my tears

as I bring the cup close enough to my face

that I can appreciate its heat.

It seems to be the only thing that can calm me down.

I've been hiding for a while now

behind black eyeliner and blue mascara

Hair dye and impulsive styles

I've been hiding behind hard sciences

and academic degrees

I'm sorry if you can't find me.

I can't find myself.

I've been hiding behind memories of you

The ones I don't let myself think

And can hardly remember anyways

Because they've been reshaped

By my brain's desire to pretend it never happened

I have had two lives

Pre and Post you.

I see your eyes in every one

Even though I couldn't pick you out of a crowd

You're a ticking time bomb

I'm the missing needle

I am haunted

I have ghosts of memories

And it's the apocalypse

But, I need to put my demons to rest

Because, I'm hiding from my future too

And, I don't want them to find me

Before I find You

Or before I can find myself

I couldn't pick me out of a crowd

Perhaps, we're not so different

Maybe, we've blurred into one

I'm sorry if you can't find me

I've been hiding behind my post you life

Which has led to sleepless nights

They say sleep deprivation is a killer

Which maybe I should be concerned about

But, I can't seem to bring myself to care about self care

I've been hiding behind health fads

and fitness ads

Toned bodies, rock hard abs

I've been hiding behind dreams

My life is built off of a wish

That I could have been born in another state

or world

to a different mother

or that I could have never been born at all

So, I could have never known you existed.

But, without you, I wouldn't have the rest of me

Who I hide from.

But, somehow know I love.

I'm sorry if you can't find me

I've been hiding behind my broken heart.

And, you'll have to excuse me

for getting choked up

Even while it's in pieces

My bleeding heart keeps beating

#sexualassault