I'm sorry if you can't find me,
I've been busy hiding.
Hiding behind a headdress of humid steam
created by a mixture of hot coffee and my tears
as I bring the cup close enough to my face
that I can appreciate its heat.
It seems to be the only thing that can calm me down.
I've been hiding for a while now
behind black eyeliner and blue mascara
Hair dye and impulsive styles
I've been hiding behind hard sciences
and academic degrees
I'm sorry if you can't find me.
I can't find myself.
I've been hiding behind memories of you
The ones I don't let myself think
And can hardly remember anyways
Because they've been reshaped
By my brain's desire to pretend it never happened
I have had two lives
Pre and Post you.
I see your eyes in every one
Even though I couldn't pick you out of a crowd
You're a ticking time bomb
I'm the missing needle
I am haunted
I have ghosts of memories
And it's the apocalypse
But, I need to put my demons to rest
Because, I'm hiding from my future too
And, I don't want them to find me
Before I find You
Or before I can find myself
I couldn't pick me out of a crowd
Perhaps, we're not so different
Maybe, we've blurred into one
I'm sorry if you can't find me
I've been hiding behind my post you life
Which has led to sleepless nights
They say sleep deprivation is a killer
Which maybe I should be concerned about
But, I can't seem to bring myself to care about self care
I've been hiding behind health fads
and fitness ads
Toned bodies, rock hard abs
I've been hiding behind dreams
My life is built off of a wish
That I could have been born in another state
or world
to a different mother
or that I could have never been born at all
So, I could have never known you existed.
But, without you, I wouldn't have the rest of me
Who I hide from.
But, somehow know I love.
I'm sorry if you can't find me
I've been hiding behind my broken heart.
And, you'll have to excuse me
for getting choked up
Even while it's in pieces
My bleeding heart keeps beating